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Polyamory: A Twist On Polygamy
More articles on this topic: Polyamory(KUTV) SALT LAKE CITY What usually comes to mind when you think about polygamy are the FLDS church, Colorado City, or maybe even HBO’s new series “Big Love.” In each instance you probable think one husband, several wives. There is another twist on plural marriage – one that some people say is gaining popularity.
It’s called polyamory – the practice of loving and living with more than one partner. The form Utahns are most familiar with is called polygyny – one man with two or more female partners. But there is another less common form called polyandry – one woman with two or more male partners.
A New Jersey family of one wife and two men showed us their alternative lifestyle.
A house sits in the middle of New Jersey with a dog and a little girl who loves to swing outside. Her mom loves to spend time with her. She also loves to spend time with her two husbands.
Cat had been legally married for several years, and there was no question she loved her husband George, even when she fell in love with Luke.
“About seven years ago, I met somebody else and fell in love with him,” says Cat.
When Cat learned about polyamory she questioned why she had to love just one man.
“That I could love both of these people and have them both in my life and not have to ruin one relationship just because I love someone else – and that is really what polyamory is all about,” says Cat.
“It’s been interesting,” says George. “I wasn’t sure about the whole thing at first, but then I thought if she’s going to come up and tell me this and it means this much to her then sure lets go for it.”
Polyamory is a growing trend across the country. There is even a polyamorous society here in Utah.
There are some obvious disagreements with the concept. Groups like Tapestry Against Polygamy discourage any kind of plural marriage. Psychologists who work with polyamorous families say jealousy can sometimes over-shadow the positive sides of the relationship.
Cat and George say more people are embracing the idea of multiple spouses instead of the alternative – divorce.
“I think a three-person household is more stable than a two-person household because you are able to spread the work and the stress out. The house tends to flow and work better,” says Cat.
The threesome has been living together in the same house for five years. They performed a hand-fasting ceremony to celebrate their relationship, but there are no legal bounds between Cat and Luke. While they embrace their alternative lifestyle, they’re also quick to point out the multi-partner relationship is not about sex and it’s not for everyone.
“Polyamory is more heart based than it is sexually based. It’s more about love. It’s more about long-term relationships,” says Cat.
“If a traditional marriage is a lot of work, polyamory is about 10 times as much work,” says George.
So far they say it’s working for their family, but it hasn’t always been easy.
“The earliest challenge I had with this relationship is how I’m going to introduce this relationship to my family,” says Luke.
The biggest challenge they face is being as open and honest as possible with each other.
“It’s so difficult. You know and you really have to be willing to be very vulnerable to enter into a relationship like this,” says Cat.
“It’s not always easy and it’s not always pleasant. You have to be very open and honest and really communicate your feelings which could leave you vulnerable,” says George.
George, Cat and Luke say the benefit of their relationship came just a few months ago when George was diagnosed with lung cancer. He had intense treatment for weeks. They all say their family kept going because of their arrangement.
Tapestry Against Polygamy says they’ve heard about polyamorous relationships back-firing, especially when children are involved.
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